Apologizing Carefully Paper
Group 2: Angela Mendrek, Jeanie Hales, Kevin Burns, Kimberly Scott, Natisha Phillps, Rebecca Kittle
Capstone in Communication / BSCOM 485
July 22, 2019
Michael Turner
Apologizing Carefully
“I am sorry.” These three words are arguably harder for some people to utter than the three words commonly known to profess love. Apologizing is a task that many people find excruciatingly challenging. Although these words are spoken frequently, the question becomes whether or not they are genuine, believable, and effective. From a young age, whenever a child does something judged as wrong or incorrect, parents typically teach, or force, their children to apologize verbally. But is saying “sorry” really apologizing and for the right reasons? When apologizing to someone, one must remember that words need to be sincere, honest and heartfelt. Throughout this paper we will give reasons why people find apologizing difficult; we will describe the strategies of admitting fault, empathy and restitution and their effectiveness in attaining forgiveness.
Why it is difficult
Apologizing is difficult for several reasons. First, it often stirs up uncomfortable emotions like shame, anger, guilt and unworthiness. In a recent Ted Talk, Jahan Kalantar explains how adults feel anxious about apologizing due to vulnerability (2018). These distressing emotions do not feel good; as humans, we are wired to pursue pleasure and avoid pain. Unless intentionally developed as a skill, confronting the anxiety associated with apologizing may hold someone back from doing it.
In addition, there are many methods of apologizing. Some are better than others, which can lead to unmet expectations and further hesitation. There is an art to sincerely and fully apologizing in such a way that the other person feels validated and satisfied. Unfortunately, as children, we are never properly educated on how to apologize (Kalantar, 2018). For instance, there is a massive difference in tone and quality to an apology letter versus an in-person conversation. Many argue that an in-person apology is best, but even that has variations. Simply muttering the words “I’m sorry” is quite a contrast from an hour-long conversation.
Most importantly, people have different purposes for an apology and frequently assume that other people understand their motive. The same words can literally mean different things from one person to the next. For example, there are three common but very different meanings for an apology. It can signify an admission of fault or wrong-doing, a request for forgiveness, or a promise of changed, future behavior. If the messenger and receiver assume rather than explicitly discuss an apology’s meaning, it is easy to see why apologies frequently fail and present challenges in relationships.
Effective Strategies
Admit Fault
A key aspect of making an apology effective and genuine is the ability to admit fault to the problem that yielded the need for an apology. Apology is not just a social nicety. It is an important ritual, a way of showing respect and empathy for the wronged person. It is also a way of acknowledging an act that, if otherwise left unnoticed, might compromise the relationship. (Engel, 2002). What Engel is referring to is the fact that when apologies are given merely as the need to say the words but rather the desire to admit fault, their credibility and value diminish greatly if not completely. It is vital that people take the time to sit and re-visit past interactions or events that lead to unmet expectations when apologizing. They need to access what was said, done or heard and how that had an effect on all the parties involved. When an apology is focused on forgiveness and growth, and not just performed for social merit, the results are often more effective and longer lasting.
Use of Empathy
Arguments often arise due to a miscommunication or difference of opinion or views regarding the situation, and arguments occur on a regular basis due the way people communicate. The act of apologizing is a true art in communication as there are many things that can get in the way of making the apology effective such as pride, and to ensure an apology is effective the individual offering the apology must be empathetic towards the others involved in the conflict and the apology must come from the heart to show their true feelings. As written in Empathy and Apology (2019), apologies have a major purpose in relationship recovery and establish how different factors can promote positive outcomes from arguments and apologies, indicated by reconciliation and diminished negative occurrences, rather than a continuation of the argument by retaliation and avoidance. Using empathy in apologizing helps a positive and successful recovery from the argument.
Restitution
A good apology needs to include a reparation for the mistakes that have been committed. The reparation might be real or symbolic with the main of regaining credibility. A restitution is an indication that the apology is sincere and one is willing to do something to help with the situation or cater for the inconveniences caused. While we cannot go to the past and change what happened, we can remedy the future. An example is paying someone for hitting their car from behind. While it might be an accident, paying is a remedy to repair the damage caused. Organizations usually have restitution strategies such offering gift hampers or coupons. In a personal relationship a restitution may include a hug. When making a restitution, we usually state or indicate what we are going to do different the next time to avoid a similar occurrence in future. According to a study by DiFonzo, Alongi, & Wiele (2018), restitution boosts apologies-alone approach. Restitution increases the probability of forgiveness.
Judging for Sincerity
When a person has had their feelings hurt by another person, whether intentional or unintentional, an apology should be given to rectify the transgression. An apology serves basic functions—the first with the apologizer showing they understand that their actions have harmed another person; and the second function is expressing their repentance through a vocal acknowledgement. According to the article, “An Exploration of the Structure of Effective Apologies,” there are five components to a sincere apology, these components include: “a statement of apologetic intent; expressions of remorse–sorrow–embarrassment; offers to help the injured party or make restitution; self-castigation, and direct attempts to obtain forgiveness” (Lewicki, Polin & Blout, 2016). A sincere apology includes making eye contact with the person and acknowledging their wrongdoing. It is important for the transgressor to understand the impact of their actions and how it made the other person feel. If a person makes an insincere apology, it can actually make the situation worse than it already is. It is important for a person to take the act of apologizing seriously and understand that they may only have one opportunity to make things right.
Conclusion
Although apologizing does not always come easy, we find that in order to defuse situations and find a common ground it is something that becomes necessary. Lynn Johnston said it best. “An apology is the super glue of life. It can repair just about anything.” A good apology must include an admission of fault, empathy and restitution to be genuine. Of course, no one cares to admit when they are wrong or want to come to the realization that they have hurt someone, but when these realizations are brought to light, it is our words and actions that determine the outcome of the situation. It is not the simplicity of saying “I’m sorry” but the meaning behind it.
References
DiFonzo, N., Alongi, A., & Wiele, P. (2018). Apology, Restitution, and Forgiveness after Psychological Contract Breach. Journal of Business Ethics, 1-17.
Engel, B. (2002, July 01). The power of apology. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/200207/the-power-apology
Kalantar, J. (2018, July 24). A perfect apology in three steps [Video file]. Retrieved from YouTube website: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pwl5PExezeg
Lewicki, R. J., Polin, B., & Lount, R. B. (2016). An exploration of the structure of effective apologies. Negotiation & Conflict Management Research, 9(2), 177-196. http://doi.org/10.1111/ncmr.12073.
Radu, A., Arli, D., Surachartkumtonkun, J., Weaven, S. & Wright, O. (2019). Empathy and apology: The effectiveness of recovery strategies. Marketing Intelligence & Planning, (4), 358. https://doi.org/10.1108/MIP-03-2018-008